My Friends Want Me to Die Alone

25 Mar

I don’t know when or how it happened, but everyone in my life has convinced themselves that I am a crazy cat lady. I do love cats. But I also love dogs and pretty much every other animal on the face of the earth. If thinking animals are the coolest is wrong, I don’t want to be right. BUT I WILL NOT BUY A ZOO, to be super clear.

me and buddy

Me and my friend Matt’s pet named Buddy. Who is a DOG.

Back to the point of this post: I delight in internet cat content- and it’s the most widely available genre of animal videos, gifs and pics. For every meme featuring a dog there are 1,187 cat memes- this is scientific research I have spent hours compiling.*

Oh, and I have a cat. Who is fucking adorable. Who I have posted pictures of on Facebook which I understand likely started the snowball rolling. I wish I could have a dog, but I am not responsible enough nor do I have the time to give a dog the care it needs. So yeah, I have ONE cat. But I am not a cat hoarder. At work some of my co-workers have called me one, to which I point out I would be the worst subject of an episode of Animal Hoarders ever. "Sheila feeds her one cat TWICE a day!"

MrsK

Mrs Krusty Bottoms, my cat.

The point is: I am not a cat hoarder. I’m not a crazy cat lady. But my friends have me playing one on Facebook.

2-3 times a week I log onto my Facebook account to find that someone has posted a cat photo or cat video on my wall. It’s nice to be thought of, I don’t mean to imply I’m unappreciative of people wanting to bring me happiness, but at what cost?

There is no label more irreversible than a single woman in her thirties who has cats. Having one is bad enough, but being in your late thirties and having MULTIPLE CAT POSTS ON YOUR FACEBOOK WALL on a weekly basis is dating death. Game over. YOU ARE DYING ALONE.

So friends, until you decide you want what’s best for me I will avoid friending anyone on Facebook that I might like to date. If we are already friends on Facebook, sorry if that made you sad because you are totally in love with me and I’m not thinking of you that way.

 

I DON’T HAVE THIS BUT IT’S FUNNY AND RELEVANT

 

*Psych. I can’t even add.

2 Responses to “My Friends Want Me to Die Alone”

  1. Keltie March 25, 2013 at 5:49 pm #

    My two favorite parts of this post:
    1) you used “psyke” which is really underused slang. I appreciate you bringing it back
    2) the lie you’re telling your readers when you say you’re not going to add someone on facebook that you’ll potentially date, we all know better than to believe that, you crazy cat lady

  2. chaco チャコ September 27, 2013 at 1:20 am #

    chaco チャコ

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