FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: SHEILA BRYSON ‘FREAKING THE EFF OUT’ OVER TOMORROW NIGHT’S TV LINEUP

29 Sep

Beloved Television Addict Selects Elastic Waistband Pants and Oversized T-Shirt for In-Home Pre and Post Parties (Without the Aid of a Stylist)

San Francisco — This evening, Sheila Bryson a lifelong television enthusiast, relaxed in her home in San Francisco while watching a terrible movie on HBO and trolling Twitter killing time before tomorrow’s finale and premieres.

“Sunday, September 29th will play host to one of the most lady-boner inducing lineups in the history of television,” remarked Bryson. “Breaking Bad’s Walter White, Homeland’s Carrie Mathison and Eastbound and Down’s Kenny Fucking Powers all on one night? It’s going to be like making out with three Ryan Goslings. Or making out with one Ryan Gosling three times.”

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Breaking Bad leads the evening with its highly anticipated series finale. Viewers hope to learn if Walter White is truly the one who knocks, and if Flynn will continue his love for breakfast in the face of adversity. Homeland follows next with a Carrie Mathison off her meds. Bryson remarked, “Jazz and meaningless sex incoming!” Appropriately bringing up the rear is Kenny Powers. #poopchute

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“Tomorrow night is going to be like the SuperBowl of television,” said Bryson.

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# # #

Sheila Bryson is a woman in her 30s who has straight teeth.

Drop the Inbox Zero and Find Yourself a Hero

29 Sep

I’ve noticed that celebrating “Inbox Zero” is a trend for people who aren’t old and haggard like me.

It’s like celebrating every glass of water you drink. While it’s delicious and refreshing, you’re always going to have another glass of water. Just like you’re always going to receive another email. If that’s how you want to spend your energy, then go for it.

Also here is a badge that you can wear for the next 30 seconds- which is the time it will take for you to get your next email. It’ll probably be from the guy you don’t even work with letting you know he has jury duty tomorrow.

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People in Hong Kong Think I’m Actually Jackée

26 Mar

For years I have been alternating between being happy with who I am and wanting to be Jackée. So much so that I often make my Facebook profile picture this most iconic of Jackée shots:

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My last company was headquartered in Hong Kong and it was months before I met many of the C Level execs in person. When they all arrived in SF for a conference, I approached them and shook their hands warmly, after all we’d worked together frequently and I’m an extrovert like that.

Later that afternoon an SF-based colleague shared that one of the execs had pulled him into the office supply room to ask, “So Sheila isn’t a black woman?”

No sir, I am not physically the worlds most sassy black lady in a red dress with amazing hair.

But in my head, I’m 227% Jackée.

My Friends Want Me to Die Alone

25 Mar

I don’t know when or how it happened, but everyone in my life has convinced themselves that I am a crazy cat lady. I do love cats. But I also love dogs and pretty much every other animal on the face of the earth. If thinking animals are the coolest is wrong, I don’t want to be right. BUT I WILL NOT BUY A ZOO, to be super clear.

me and buddy

Me and my friend Matt’s pet named Buddy. Who is a DOG.

Back to the point of this post: I delight in internet cat content- and it’s the most widely available genre of animal videos, gifs and pics. For every meme featuring a dog there are 1,187 cat memes- this is scientific research I have spent hours compiling.*

Oh, and I have a cat. Who is fucking adorable. Who I have posted pictures of on Facebook which I understand likely started the snowball rolling. I wish I could have a dog, but I am not responsible enough nor do I have the time to give a dog the care it needs. So yeah, I have ONE cat. But I am not a cat hoarder. At work some of my co-workers have called me one, to which I point out I would be the worst subject of an episode of Animal Hoarders ever. "Sheila feeds her one cat TWICE a day!"

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Mrs Krusty Bottoms, my cat.

The point is: I am not a cat hoarder. I’m not a crazy cat lady. But my friends have me playing one on Facebook.

2-3 times a week I log onto my Facebook account to find that someone has posted a cat photo or cat video on my wall. It’s nice to be thought of, I don’t mean to imply I’m unappreciative of people wanting to bring me happiness, but at what cost?

There is no label more irreversible than a single woman in her thirties who has cats. Having one is bad enough, but being in your late thirties and having MULTIPLE CAT POSTS ON YOUR FACEBOOK WALL on a weekly basis is dating death. Game over. YOU ARE DYING ALONE.

So friends, until you decide you want what’s best for me I will avoid friending anyone on Facebook that I might like to date. If we are already friends on Facebook, sorry if that made you sad because you are totally in love with me and I’m not thinking of you that way.

 

I DON’T HAVE THIS BUT IT’S FUNNY AND RELEVANT

 

*Psych. I can’t even add.

5 Ways Reality TV is Like Chinese Food

25 Mar

1) I don’t care about the quality of the ingredients.

I care as much about the chicken in my chow mein being free range as I care about the pedigree of the subjects of reality television.

2) Most of it tastes the same.

One restaurant’s egg rolls might be crispier than the others, but generally it is going to taste the same. The same can be said of reality TV- women start out friends, women fight, women become fake friends.

3) Even if it’s bad quality, I’m still going to enjoy it.

Food court chinese food!? Delish! The Bachelor? Delish!

4) I’ll be hungry two hours later.

It’s easy to forget that you had a bowl of stir fry 2 hours ago. It’s easy to forget you EVER watched Big Brother.

5) Artificial ingredients make it taste better.

And I’m ok with that. Fake friendships, fake wealth and fake titts are the MSG of reality television.

 

 

Not Really Knocked Up (working title)

24 Jan

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As a single woman with no babies that works in a predominantly female profession, I’ve seen it a thousand times. Some woman gets knocked up and gets a 3 month vacation and can leave work for 18 years whenever the mildest of “childcare emergencies” pops up.

IT IS A BULLETPROOF GOLDMINE

Every time a pregnancy is announced I daydream about faking my own. I’m big enough to pull it off. No one would ever question it. Except when I have to do the obligatory and awkward “bring the baby to meet friends and co-workers” tour of duty. But I can borrow a trustworthy non-local friend’s baby to jump through those hoops. It’s clearly not a fully developed plan. That said…

I think it’s a pretty fantastic movie premise. Think Knocked Up meets Bridesmaids meets Office Space meets Baby Mama meets the episode of Sex in the City when Carrie registers for shoes meets Fried Green Tomatoes. (JK about one of those)

Other details worth mentioning:
-I will sell all baby shower items on eBay to pay for my three month vacation
-Rebel Wilson will play my younger sister who helps me maintain my cover, including acting as my doctor and Lamaze coach

I’ve said too much. But let it be known this is Sheila “Oh Oh Sheila” Bryson’s idea Hollywood.

Plus-Sized Fashion Police*

13 Oct

Minus a four year stint of starving myself to death, I have been plus-sized since I was born. Just kidding I was a super skinny baby.

Any plus-sized woman will tell you: finding cool clothes is an endless struggle. Picture it: I was a teenager in the 90s and there was one plus-sized store in town, their stock included tapered pants and over-sized tops that might as well have been nightgowns.

Today, the landscape is much improved. With the right information from sites like The Curvy Fashionista and a lot of patience us chubbs can piece together a cute wardrobe. But there are plenty of roadblocks along the way, including retailers pushing items that are horribly unflattering and out of style. Things no one should wear, let alone a pear-shaped plus-sized woman.

A couple that have recently offended my sensibilities include:

Kardashian Kurve for Sears

A much-hyped plus-sized kollection by the Kardashians recently launched at Sears. Yes, I know Sears sucks and so do the Kardashians but sometimes you kan find good pieces in krappy places. The Kardashians disappointed by deciding that plus-sized women missed out on the Juicy velour track suit kraze of yesteryear. Hey Kardashians, 2005 called they want their shitty monochrome near-pajamas back. You’re also one K away from hating black people, which we know would be horribly inaccurate.

Forever 21+

In my stint as a stand-up comic one of my better jokes was about the launch of Forever 21′s plus-sized clothing line. I believe I celebrated the fact that now I too can dress inappropriately for my age. But there’s inappropriate slutty (which I can get behind), and there is inappropriate horrible. From its humble beginnings Forever21′s plus-sized line has gone from offering suitable options to pieces that make me wonder: do they want fat chicks to look bad?

Take these “little” numbers, that not only accentuate your gut, ass and hips, but also draw the eye directly to the vadge region. WHY, WHY, WHY!?

*Note while E!’s Fashion Police wasn’t mentioned here, I’m a Joan Ranger fo’ life.

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